I Fall Back

Sometimes I choose the tea tree shampoo
To use as body wash
So I can feel tingling 
In the soft folds of my skin
Where only my lover’s hands can go
Or my own

So that the energy of creation
This fiery heaven
That runs through my blood
At all times
Can feel activated and experienced 
On the outside 

Sometimes, secretly,
I touch the air
As though it were a canvas
I paint my passion and my confusion
With my eyelashes
And my spine
And my tailbone
As I walk through the grocery store

I attempt to accept
For the millionth time
That I don’t know
Anything
Beyond what is present here 
In this moment

And I fall back.

I fall back 
Into the familiar
Yet foreign
Embrace of creativity

This old friend 
My first love
Who I locked away
To chase some idea of perfection
Beyond my own beating heart
Just as it is.